


Allspeak

by KriegersSpicyNipples



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:41:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22687915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KriegersSpicyNipples/pseuds/KriegersSpicyNipples
Summary: Allspeak is translating Thor's terms of endearment in a very unfortunate way.
Relationships: Loki/Thor, Loki/Thor (Marvel)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 161





	Allspeak

**Author's Note:**

> So I was thinking about all of the hilarious misunderstandings that could come about based upon the concept of Allspeak. Like what if it translated Thor's words to what he truly meant, so that when he says "brother," that is definitely not what everyone else hears?
> 
> Keep in mind I know literally nothing about Allspeak and this is just me having fun. Set at the battle of New York.

“Thor, why can’t you just… you know.”

One of Clint’s arrows had just exploded an angry Chitauri flying above them. Flaming entrails had gracefully wafted into Cap’s hair, but somehow that wasn’t what was making him uncomfortable. Natasha smirked. Thor blinked.

“Why can’t I what?” he asked.

Steve pursed his lips. He made a few vague hand gestures. Clint pretended to shoot something, clearly wanting no part of this conversation. Natasha waited a good thirty seconds before deciding she had a duty to rescue an American Hero from an Asgardian sex talk. “He thinks maybe Loki just needs a good dicking.”

Steve turned an interesting shade of red and Natasha’s smirk widened. 

“Who is Dick?” Thor was tightening his grip on Mjolnir, glancing around at the continuing destruction pointedly. A very _‘don’t we have better things to be doing right now?’_ sort of attitude, which Natasha did not appreciate. She waited for a nearby building to finish its slow slide into rubble before speaking again.

“I get that you two had some kind of falling out, but can’t you just kiss and make up? I mean at this point we’re willing to try anything.”

Thor squinted at her as if _she_ was the idiot. “That would be inappropriate.”

Silence. Another building met an unfortunate end. Somewhere the Hulk was calling something puny. Loudly. Thor seemed to realize he was going to have to elaborate.

“Midgardians are very odd.” Well. Fair enough, but strange time to bring it up. “Siblings kiss? After reaching adulthood?”

Natasha and Steve exchanged a look. By this point, even Clint couldn’t pretend this wasn’t happening. Stark went flying into a nearby building. Hulk may or may not have thrown him into it. 

A groan sounded over their earpieces. “Are you guys finally having the sex talk?” Natasha rubbed her temples as Tony continued. “Does Asgard have birds and bees?”

“Yes,” Thor answered helpfully. Again he looked at them as if they were all wasting his time, which would have been understandable considering the continued destruction if it wasn’t _his boyfriend causing it all._

“Good. Good.” Tony didn’t offer any more sarcastic comments, so Natasha assumed he’d died. 

“Thor,” she said carefully. Oh so carefully. “Why are you talking about siblings?” God help them all.

“Because Loki is my lover.” 

Natasha pursed her lips. She squinted. She took a slow breath. An alien whizzed past them on one of those stupid air scooters brandishing a stop sign. “Yes. Yes, we know. Can you just fuck him so maybe he’ll stop destroying our planet?” 

Thor gaped and dropped Mjolnir, which was probably a first. It left a nice little crater in the middle of 5th Avenue. “He’s my _lover!”_

“We know.” She felt she was being very patient, all things considered. “That’s why we’re asking.” 

If they didn’t get this over with quickly Steve’s face was going to spontaneously combust. Clint was eyeing Thor as if no one would miss him if he shot him. Meanwhile, understanding dawned on Thor’s face, and Natasha thought maybe this whole Earth invasion thing was about to be wrapped up in a bow until the blond opened his mouth. “What do you hear when I say ‘lover?’” he asked.

“Oh my God,” sounded over their earpieces. Oh, Stark was still alive. Good.

“We hear lover,” Natasha responded, the most patient woman on their entire, doomed planet. 

“Ah.” Thor bent to pick up Mjolnir, carefully avoiding their gazes. He tossed it in the air and caught it. He looked incredibly uncomfortable. “A… miscommunication. You see, I am speaking Allspeak--”

“Uh, buddy, can you make this as short as possible?” Steve asked as one of those giant cockroach things shimmied grossly through the air in their general direction.

“Right.” Thor seemed to think deeply for a moment. It looked painful. “My speech is translated for you so that you may understand it. When I say-- what you hear as ‘lover,’ what I mean is that Loki and I were raised together from birth. By the same parents.”

“One of those arranged marriage deals?” Clint offered helpfully.

Thor looked pained. “No.”

Tony landed next to them in a cloud of dust. His faceplate slid back as he strolled over to Thor, pointing a finger in his face. “You are going to go up there, you are going to find your greasy boyfriend, and you are going to make out with him. Because if I have to do something heroic and self-sacrificing, we are _all_ going to regret it. Got it?”

Thor swallowed and glanced upward, presumably to where Loki was zipping around terrorizing New Yorkers. He nodded, did that weird hammer spin thing, and launched himself into the air. The remaining Avengers congratulated themselves on a job well done, blissfully unaware of any pseudo-incest that they may or may not have been parties to.

And they really would have regretted Tony’s heroics, anyway.


End file.
